It is Time to Say Goodbye

It is time to say goodbye

These years had their moments

Good and bad

Happy and sad

Joyful and depressing

With laughter and tears

Conversational and silent

You said you knew me

You understood me

You loved me

But

In the end

That is not how it was

Maybe

Maybe it

Maybe it was

Maybe it was true

Maybe it was real

Maybe it was

Maybe it

Maybe

Yet

Something tells me that

It was an illusion

A dream that we experienced

And lived in

Swimming in the sea of dreams

When I was underwater

A few years ago

I noticed something blurry above me

I could not see what it was

But it brought about a longing

Within me

To discover what lies just beyond the surface

So I slowly and blearily started floating

Up

And you were still suspended above the sea bed

Dreaming

I began to hear strange muffled sounds

And my desire to find out what

This mysterious shape above me was

Suddenly

I felt something grab me and pull me upward

I broke the surface of the sea

And gasped as air filled my lungs

Breathing in a completely new world

That I used to know but had forgotten

I delight in this new way of seeing

For it is what is real

What I can touch

Not something I simply imagine

Now I look back down into the waters

And see you still lying below

Eyes closed to the sun

I know now that you are still asleep

And you have always been

Even when we met

I have always been with you

But it is not my responsibility to wake you up

Now I live in the sunlight

With fresh cool air upon my face

That I can breathe

In the arms of my beloved

That I can feel

With every fiber of my being

I wish you well

Despite all

It is time to say goodbye.

©JLThomas1122010

Thoughts from a Zen Master

A Zen master once said that water is of one essence, but if it is drunk by a cow it becomes milk, while if it is drunk by a snake it becomes poison. In the same way whether life is blissful or sorrowful depends on our state of mind, not on the world. So we must seek to transform the mind, to bring it into the awakened state, and this requires at the outset great faith, faith in ourselves and in the latent powers of the mind. The second step in Zen Buddhism is great doubt (dai-gi-dan). The method of Zen is very scientific. In science we are told never to believe anything unless its truth has been demonstrated experimentally. Zen takes the same stand. We are not to believe anything blindly; rather we must demonstrate its truth to ourselves.

~Thich Thien-An

Tugged Heartstrings

Here I am, taking a little break for lunch before my first class in my second term of this semester. My Conducting class was canceled this morning, which added a little extra time for me to relax, settle, and get re-accustomed to being on my own again. I kissed my love good-bye and won't be seeing him again until the end of this year.

Let me rewind quite a ways, back to before Fall Break even started.

The few weeks before break were stressful and difficult, to say the least. All the doctor's appointments and feeling sick, combined with classwork and rehearsing, really took their toll on me. I was burnt-out and in desperate need of time to settle down, relax, and not do much of anything. When 7pm on Friday the 15th rolled around, I took a deep breath and just let myself exhale my first 8 weeks of stress out of my system and take in the freedom of 9 days vacation. Of course, I had to clean up my room and get it organized for Health/Safety Checks and the arrival of my boyfriend to stay with me for the final portion of my week off. Guess what? All of my boxes are put away, all of my books and papers are pretty much organized, and all that remains on my floor to put away is a bag of laundry that I did at my mom's place! Do you realize how big of an achievement that is?! This is the cleanest and most organized that my room has been since I moved in. Which was... 9 weeks ago. I'm proud of myself!

My boyfriend arrived last Sunday, and it was wonderfully amazing. Well, it always is; no surprises there. I make myself laugh sometimes at how giddy and sentimentally in love I am. Especially when the time for him to come draws closer and closer. I probably annoy my friends around because of how much I talk about him sometimes. What can I say? I'm hopelessly in love with him! It comes in the job description as being in a relationship, at least in my book.

That being said about me being so happy that he came, Sunday beginning at 5pm was not a good time at all. Monday I was scheduled for a double whammy of a colonoscopy and endoscopy, so I had to drink this absolutely horrid prep drink every 10 minutes as quickly as I could. The two of us played a game of Lord of the Rings Monopoly, and he kicked my bum. I've never played so serious of a game before! And it lasted ages. The perfect game when you have to get up every few minutes or so to go to the bathroom.After taking half of that nasty stuff, I couldn't keep it down any longer. Even a tiny sip would cause me to have to run to the bathroom and vomit it back up again. The good news is that I was finally able to bring something up again.  For the past month I had been nauseous but nothing would come up. It took 6 hours, but finally my system was as cleaned out as it would ever be before the procedures the following day. (This is probably more information than you'd care to know, but oh well. You're going to have to go through this same procedure when you turn 40 or so. So there.)

Monday morning was not fun either. I could not consume anything since midnight, so I was dehydrated. Not too hungry though since for the past while no food would agree with my digestive system.

(It's time for a break. I will return after my classes today. Stay tuned.)

My mom, J, and I headed over to outpatient surgery, and I did the hour of preparation before the procedures. It was so sweet how the two of them went in to wish me luck before they rolled me away. And so J came up to me and gave me a nice kiss, squeezing my hand, and sending me loving energy. One of the nurses whispered in my ear how cute he was. It's nice to hear people say that. Of course, he's the most attractive man alive! Thankfully, I was given an anesthetic, so I was off in dreamland whilst everything was done. Then I woke up groggy and ready to try and eat something. The doctor came back and said that according to the pictures they took of me, I have a beautiful intestine and esophagus. I'm not quite sure I agree about the attractiveness of my insides, but I trust his judgement. He's a doctor specializing in those kinds of areas.

For my first real meal in quite a few days, we went to Denny's, and I had a nice and filling Grand Slam. It was too much for me, and my digestive system made me suffer afterwards, but it was yummy.

The days ensuing weren't too monumental. My love was a wonderful help while my mom was working, and we watched some pretty good films. Wednesday we ate out at a nice place in the historic area of where I live and shared a great meal of chicken teriyaki, rice pilaf, salad, rolls, and crab rangoon.

Thursday evening, J and I ventured back to my apartment on-campus. It was our 1 year and 7 month anniversary! We went to the Chocolate Bar down in the city and shared an awesome meal of bread and cheeses. And these were not standard cheeses. Nope, they were delectable and not commonly found (in this country, even). The people I live with enjoyed his company which is nice, since he'll be coming back to visit next semester for Opera Scenes and my Junior Recital. We discovered the amazingness that is the Lord of the Rings card game and watched more films with friends.

Every time we're together, he rejuvenates and refreshes me. I put my crazy, stressful life on pause (while still trying to keep in mind what I have to accomplish after he leaves) and surrender to our embraces. Our strong hugs, wide ranges of kisses, and just plain silliness mean the world to me. We may not always get along, and we typically have some kind of conversation of conflicts, but challenges such as those have only made us stronger and better at learning how we can understand and respect one another. I'm still learning patience with him and his second love, computers and technology, and he's still learning about my complicated emotions and buttons that can be pushed. There is still so much that we can and will learn about each other in the future.  My confidence and trust in him and our relationship are steadily blossoming and opening up to new levels each time we're together and re-connecting.

Saying good-bye is very difficult. I go through this period where I can't help but cry knowing that there will be quite some time in between our next visiting one another.  It's not so happy, but I pull through. I've had time to release my emotions and then get back into the swing of classes and rehearsals.

Tugged heartstrings are blessings to me. They help me to really connect with my emotions and feel all the aspects of love.

Love and Blessings to you,
<3 Me

10-10-10

It could very well be a magical day today! Who knows? And there will only be two more chances in the next two years that it will match. The world will have to wait about 100 years for this to happen again. Oh, the mysterious possibilities!

This week is the final week of my first 8-week term of my third year. Time has flown by, and I'm very grateful that it has. Plenty of stressful and not so nice situations have come and gone. Some still linger, unfortunately. For nearly three weeks, I have been feeling sick and experiencing abdominal pain. My mom has taken me for tests (doctor visits, blood tests, x-rays, ultrasound, and HIDA scan) over the past few weeks. As of right now, there is no conclusive diagnosis of what is wrong. It really frustrates me, especially since I'm missing so many classes to take tests that don't help us come any closer to the problem. At least we're ruling out possibilities. It got to a point where I was getting used to the constant pain, and I didn't let it bother me too much. Well, this past Thursday, I took a HIDA scan, and since then, the pain and discomfort re-magnified itself. This Wednesday, I'll be seeing a GI doctor. Let's see what he comes up with. I have a very small window in which this can be taken care of. My Fall Break is the week of October 18th. That's the very best time for tests, surgeries, or whatever to be done. If nothing happens, I'll have to deal with this for the rest of semester. I can't afford to keep missing classes and thus having my grades slip because of health problems beyond my control.

It really stresses me out. That's a bit ironic because this whole health problem could have been caused by stress, anxiety, and pushing myself too hard. Unfortunately, negative stress is a very bad habit of mine. And if I don't learn more efficient ways of managing it, my health could just get worse. Life isn't going to ease up on me. I'm just going to have to ease up on life and try to take time out of my life to relax and immerse myself in tasks that I create and love. If it has to be at the expense of homework (like my French composition that I should have submitted on Thursday), then so be it. I don't think I will look back on this very moment, and sigh to myself, "Oh, I wish I had submitted that composition on time. My life would have been so much better if I had." If I even remember the exact date it was due, that'd be amazing and a little sad if I worked myself up over turning in something late.

My best friend and love of my life will be here in less than a week to visit during break! I am so excited! Alas, we both haven't been feeling well, and his car's breaks need repairs badly, but we are going to make this happen! He lives about 180 miles away, and we aren't able to be together in person very often, especially with his life up there and my life as a student here. We get together as often as we can during my time off school. Otherwise, we have to rely on phone, computers, and (once in a rare blue moon) letters to keep up communication. On the 21st, we will have been together for 19 months! It's amazing how long we have been together, and we see many more months (years, even) in the future. He is the most wonderful man I could ever ask for, and I thank God every day that He brought our souls together.

I should probably make myself productive on my homework now. My mom will be meeting me soon, and we'll be heading out to see a piano recital performed by one of my amazing faculty members at the university.

Wish me luck with everything!
Love and blessings be with you!
:)


<3 Me

Sweet Words

I wrote this during a class today, just letting the ideas flow.
Enjoy!

Oh sweet words that make me think of thee
Causing me to shudder with hopeful longing
Filling my breast with lovely breath
That I would share with your lips
In an unending moment of bliss
Resounding throughout time
Where nothing exists save through thought and space
Joined as one body, heart, mind, and soul
Existing solely for each other
With no outside forces barraging our haven
Of protected loving safety and comfort
Always

<3 Me

 

 

Movies I Will Never Be Able to Stop Watching Thus Far...

1. The Fountain
2. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
3. Un Long Dimanche de Fiançailles
4. Amélie
5. Paris Je T'Aime
6. Pan's Labyrinth
7. Inception
8. Avatar
9. A Beautiful Mind
10. Gran Torino
11. Blood Diamond
12. The Patriot
13. 300
14. The 10th Kingdom
15. Dîner des Cons 
16. Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy
17. Moulin Rouge
18. Tristan and Isolde
19. Slumdog Millionaire
20. Eastern Promises
21. Remember Me
22. Atonement
23. The Town
24. The Dark Knight
25. City of Angels 
26. Edward Scissorhands
27. Ever After
28. Finding Neverland
29. All Harry Potter films
30. A Knight's Tale
31. Live Free or Die Hard
32. Joyeux Noël  
33. V for Vendetta
34. X-Men Trilogy
35. Braveheart

<3 Me

Full-Time Woman

I've come to some interesting and crazy revelations about my life.

Throughout my entire life I've put myself into so many different situations, especially pertaining to academics, activities, performance, and leadership. I thrive on having projects to work on and always have to be accomplishing something, learning and growing.

Being a third year in university is really bringing out the stress and busyness of what I have to do in my life as a student. I was a nerd and actually calculated how many total hours in the week I am spent in classes and rehearsals. Basically 24 hours. An entire day, sitting in a classroom, learning, and singing. This doesn't take into account practicing or homework outside of class. It doesn't count eating, sleeping, and spending time resting and recuperating. This means a whole day doesn't exist for me to relax. The other six days of my week are spent doing everything else and catching up. It's mind-boggling.

It frustrates me sometimes when people complain about being bored and have nothing to do. That's not true at all! There are so many endless possibilities! The mind can create so many ideas of something to expand on and learn! When someone says they're bored and having nothing to do, it's almost as if they're too lazy to think about what they could be doing. It's a waste of time to be bored. Every second in life is precious and shouldn't be taken for granted. How do you know that something might happen in the future that changes your life forever, for better or worse? You can read, write, watch a movie, listen to music, draw, play an instrument, and so much more! Everyone has so many talents they can develop! Why spend your time complaining that there is nothing to do?

This leads me into another frustration of mine...

(Of course my stupid keyboard decides to magically erase a nice, lengthy paragraph that I had written... Let's try this again...)

Due to my life as a student and well, as me, I can't always make time for everyone and everything that people want me to do. Prioritizing is such a complex concept to me, especially now that I juggle eleven classes worth of practicing and homework. Thank goodness I have days between classes so I can actually accomplish what I can! But I can't do and finish everything when others want me to. I wish I could do everything people want me to do. I wish I could take time and listen to everyone who wants to chat with me. It's not possible for me to do everything I'm supposed to do and make everyone happy and satisfied. All too often, I don't finish papers or homework on time. That doesn't mean I never finish. Of course I do! My personality doesn't tolerate not finishing tasks. (Except certain ideas that fall out of interest and are replaced with better ideas.)

Unfortunately, there have been friends and family in my life who have either gotten angry at me or hurt because I couldn't fulfill what they wanted me to do. I've been called everything from selfish, egotistical, self-centered, vain, and many other words about how I don't care about other people. These are not true. In fact, they're pretty contrary to how I feel about others. If I could, I would reach out to everyone and make everyone happy and never have to worry about being thought badly of. But life in this world isn't perfect. I've really been learning about myself and how it's important not to let words and negative thoughts of others affect me as a person. Sure, people get jealous, angry, sad, and frustrated with me. Do I have any control over how they react? Nope. I can learn from what they say about me and try to do better next time. If they get all pissed off at me and hold a grudge and gossip, spreading slander about me with falsities, then I'll just have to accept what they say. It's not as if I can keep them from thinking about what they do, even if they're lies and distortions of the truth. When I'm on Facebook, there are many times when people start chatting with me, and I'm actually needing to hurry off and get to a class, meeting, rehearsal, recital, homework, you name it. Sometimes I have less than an hour to grab something to eat between classes, and I hop on the computer for a quick update. And when I tell the person(s) that I have to go and can't talk, they feel hurt because I can't take the time to listen to them.

Honestly, when I say that I'm busy and I'm not able to talk at that moment, I'm telling the truth. It's not about avoiding someone or not caring about them or being selfish. It's about how much that I have to do with a limited amount of time to do it. There's no need to be angry with me because of this.

I certainly am making up time for my blogging break with this long entry! Ah well, you're getting a peek into my hectic and crazy life. It's never boring. If anything, I need to work harder to relax, if that makes sense. I can't control the world as much as I would prefer to. I can only control myself and how I choose to respond to outside influences and circumstances.

And now it is time for me to get back to my homework! I have a French Composition to write, a section of another French novel I'm reading to finish, piano to practice, and a musical piece I need to memorize!
Wish me luck!

<3 Me